Let’s face it. If you are here, you are probably struggling with face to face communication with women. I DO TOO! But since I discovered online dating 3 years ago, I have multiplied my success with women with x7 times! And since I have helped most of my single friends with it, I decided to create this small blog to explain how to date online and share the online dating tips and practices I use and explain WHY they are successful.
In this article you WILL NOT read how to:
- sleep with 200 girls/year
- pick up super models completely free
- become a women heart collector
If you are looking for any of the above, this is not your online dating article, mate, but there are plenty other that “promise” you that.
In this website I will share MY online dating success and will tell you:
- which websites/apps I use AND HOW exactly!
- how to set up your profile (what pictures to use, what information to put)
- best openers I have found to start a conversation with
- general behavior in the conversation
- and many other tips I have found that work over the years
All tips I am going to share with you are not based on lying and deceiving. It is pure psychology and behavior! Let’s dive in.
Traditional vs Internet Dating
First, let me start with why I prefer online dating, to traditional “real world” pick ups.
I hate rejection! I am not Brad Pitt, I don’t have the greatest looks and used to be shy (probably still am), which is a cocktail for rejection! Don’t get me wrong, online you face rejection too, even on a bigger scale, but it is not personal, you don’t feel embarrassed. Just close the window and move on!
A lot more opportunities. And when I say, a lot – really a lot. In the online dating apps I use, there are hundreds and thousands of women! And not only they are many, but they are in the app for the same reason you are there – do date! This is very important.
If you see a pretty girl in the park and you find the strength to talk to her, even if she finds you attractive, she can still reject you, if the moment you chose to approach her is wrong, or she has a boyfriend, or a million other reasons you have to figure out on the go.
While being in the dating app, she has already indicated her wish to be contacted BY YOU with the intent of a hook up. So all you have to do is stand out of the crowd and show her that you are her match (it is not that hard, will get to that later)
And lastly, we are in an internet society! We do everything online now – educating, purchasing, contacting with friends and family, it is not strange anymore to look for a soulmate there. A lot of people rely on dating apps to find theirs.
OK, but let’s at least mention the advantages of traditional dating.
Simply put – you have many more weapons at your disposal there! When talking to a girl face to face, you can evaluate your performance much more precisely! You can see her reactions while you are saying things, and if you see you are going in the wrong direction – switch asap.
You can read her by her voice intonation, body language, laughter, facial expressions and so much more very powerful indicators that you do not possess in online match dating.
Don’t get me wrong, eventually you WILL have to take her out and talk face to face, but until that time you will have built a solid communication base with her, so your contact would be much warmer.
So face to face communication is still very important, and I strongly suggest you take a look at a book called “The Tao of Badass“.
This is the phenomenal guide for picking up, that changed my women approach and improved my general confidence in all aspects of my life. Strongly recommend getting it, it is worth every penny.
1. What Internet Dating Apps I Use To Meet Girls Online
I generally use 2 apps – Tinder and Badoo. Since they have similarities, but also some major differences, I have created separate articles for both:
How to succeed with Tinder (coming soon)
How to succeed with Badoo (coming soon)
Tinder is the better known and established app from the two. However, I have personally had more online dating success with Badoo.
It will be good to say why I like Badoo more – it is crushing TInder, in terms of functionality! It allows unlimited photos upload (In Tinder you have 6, plus Instagram link, though), and you can hide specific pictures from the public. You can set much more information about you, compared to Tinder, and my N1 reason…
…you CAN send photos in Badoo chat. I mean…come one, Tinder, WTF is this? Sending pictures is a very powerful indicator someone trusts you and likes you enough to send you selfies and pics they find interesting. I think they are a crucial part in online dating.
I will not be providing links to the apps, I’m sure you can find them with a simple search in iOS or Android market, if you don’t have them already. Good thing is that since this year (2018) both of them now have a Browser interface, so you can access them directly through your computer browser, which if you are like me – having trouble writing on a smartphone, you will it find very convenient.
They both work on the similar principal – you Like or Dislike people of your interest gender, but you cannot write to them. The moment the person you have liked, also likes you too – you have a “match”, and the application allows you to start chatting with each other. It is a great idea, since this way they completely reduce the unwanted contacts – you can only be approached by someone you show interest in.
Why is this good?
If you matched with a girl it means she already indicates that she likes you, and the first and biggest variable in real life hook up – if she will like you – is gone! She likes you! Period! Now you need to act.
The registration in both of them is pretty straightforward – the easiest way to sign in by Facebook account – DON’T WORRY, none of these 2 will EVER post on your Facebook wall without you knowing! Badoo, however, has other signing options, one of which is to make a fresh registration, that does not include the social networks.
Online Dating Profile Tips
In both apps (and probably most online dating apps) there are 3 sections: Pictures of you, Description and other Facts about you (such as age, height, education, work, etc, etc). All 3 are important! Understand, the person looking at your profile does not know you, and most importantly they cannot get a general impression of you, like they could if they see you in real life. So you need to provide as much information as possible, to make it easy on them.
This is your resume, and much like when creating a CV for a job application, you want to fill as many strong points about you, as you can. Think of it like every single little field you fill is another small chance to be liked by а girl. Also (will talk about this later) these fields are potential conversation starters, so fill them.
2. Online Dating Profile – The Pictures
Here, the apps differ a bit, so I will go into more details in this section in the article of each app, and will give some general information here.
The pictures are the most important part of your online profile!
“Choose the pictures you look best in” – yes and NO! I have a friend who is a good looking guy, sadly has no success with women. We go out together, usually there are girls with us, there are pictures…fun. He uses these pics for Tinder/Badoo and complains he does not get any matches.
He likes himself in these photos, and they could actually be very good, but think of THE MESSAGE each picture delivers! In this case, a girl comes across his profile, sees the first pic, thinks “oh, he is cute”, checks the next one – the guy hugging some girls. The next one – same guy with other girls, and she starts thinking “ok this guy is a player, a fuckboy”, so she swipes Left.
This is NOT who you want to be in online dating. Sure, there are girls that do want a 1 night stand, but they are few, and even the ones that do, won’t admit it, and will try to avoid such guys.
I know the guy, he is not a player, but this is the message he delivers with his picture choice. And it is wrong. We checked his profile, found that mistake and fixed it. Made him a few clear, nice photos and he started getting matches.
Before adding any picture, think of 2 things:
- Do I look good in this pic?
- If I do not know myself, what impression would I make from this pic?
I guarantee you will have much more success if you ask yourself these 2 questions before uploading a pic on a dating site! The idea of online communication (and all communication in general) is to PREDICT as many moves ahead, as possible.
THE PHOTOS ARE THE BIGGEST ATTENTION CATCHERS in your online dating profile. Typically when shown your profile, a girl takes only 2-3 seconds on average to decide if she is interested in you! The apps themselves at first only show the pictures, not the description and the other info, so in order to make her want to know more about you, by checking your bio, YOU MUST HAVE CRAZY AMAZING PHOTOS!
Here are some online dating profile photo tips:
- Upload more than 1 photo. Try taking different angles. Do not upload 5 almost identical photos – it is pointless, and it could only hurt your chances.
- Only upload solo pictures of you (in group photos is not obvious who you actually are)
- Avoid selfies. For some reason girls don’t like selfies/mirror shots. I can’t provide any good logic here. Maybe this is just a girls trademark, so just don’t use them, or make sure they are super creative.
- Use travel pictures if you have. Girls love to travel! If you go to an exotic destination – this is a winner pic to share. Even if you are not at your best on the picture. I have been to Hawaii and have uploaded 2 shots from there. Very often I get “hey where is the pic with the palm from?”. And you have a whole 20 minute conversation topic with this girl, just from 1 photo, which believe me, in online dating communication is important.
- Present your best sides here! If you like to sport – show it. If you have a nice job – add a pic from the office, have jumped with a parachute – great pic to add, etc. But again, choose wisely! Only chose hobbies that are interesting to the general public. If you like reading comic books, for example, that might not be something you want to pick for a first impression (I`m not judging, just saying. I like comic books too…Comic books rock!)
- Be creative! If you are almost NOT visible in the photo, but it is an interesting idea, may push you “to the right”. Everyone has the same pics – girls make selfies in bathroom mirrors, guys do shirtless shots, etc. Use this to your advantage and BE DIFFERENT! Find another angle. If you are not a natural born photographer, like I am not – steal the damn idea! Do a Google search for “interesting photos”, “interesting self shots”, “creative amateur pics”, you get the point, and pick images that you find interesting and are easy to replicate!
- Pet pics. If you have a pet, don’t forget to “use it” – upload a pic of you and your pet. Chicks love dogs, cats and all kinds of animals (except maybe bugs and lizards. So if you have a tarantula, leave it as a first date surprise 😉 ), and they are awesome conversation topics.
- Play with the colors. I mentioned about me not being a photographer, and we know it’s a whole science, but try taking photos with contrast, or even black and white photos. When someone is scrolling through 50 profiles, they all start to blend in, until a black and white photo appears. It automatically catches the attention, because it is different.
- Avoid photo filters and added elements, like dog noses, bunny ears and other crap. I don’t even know why I need to mention this, since no self respecting man would make such photos, but sadly they exist. Don’t do that guys, it’s just wrong.
3. Online Dating Advises – The Description
Here are 2 options that I find best:
The general practice is to write a genuine description of yourself.
“I like skiing, reading books, going out with friends. My favorite food is burritos” – I don’t even know why i said the last one, I don’t like Mexican food… Anyway, you get my point – you describe what you think makes you a good fit. Which is fine, I don’t say it does not work, it just…feels a little boring to me… This is why I prefer the second approach:
BEING FUNNY AND BOLD!
I experiment a lot with my profile and have found these 2 lines to have worked for me:
- (BEST ONE SO FAR) “Young, handsome, intelligent. I sport a lot, have a good job… I’m not looking for anything here, just showing off”
- “I’m not from the guys that are looking for a 1 night stand! A couple of hours are completely enough for me ;)”
My biggest weapon is my sense of humor and I try to use it anytime I can! (will make an article for the weapons)
Why do these 2 work?
Lets see number 1). The message does not need to be 100% accurate. It is what impression I WANT the girl to get! I want her to think I feel young, I think I’m handsome, I know i’m intelligent, also I look after my physique and have a good job – looks like a dream guy, doesn’t it? Then she sees “I’m not looking for anything, just showing off”….
…so from now on, she either thinks I’m serious and she wants to change my mind of “not looking for anything”, or she gets the humor and wants to know more about me, and if I am any of those things.
This is the description that got me the most first moves by girls, usually by “haha, omg your ego is through the roof 😀” or “What is that good job of yours :)?” – Job done! Now I only need to cover her expectations – keep up the honor, show her I’m not an asshole etc.
2) This is an obvious joke! I read it in a meme in Facebook. This one is a bit tricky, since some girls will not get it and it will achieve the opposite effect of what we are looking for. But, honestly, do you really want to match with people that have a stick in their butts?
This one also get me a lot of first moves from girls, mostly with teasing comments “just a couple of hours? Why so little?”, “With just a couple of hours your girl will cheat on you with the neighbor” which is good! Even if they are teasing, they are just testing your humor.
All you need to do is keep your cool and answer with a joke, than prove you do not actually mean this, you are a serious guy and you are just kidding – because THAT’S WHO YOU ARE – a nice guy, with a sense of humor and a good self confidence to post such description.
Test the description tactic that BEST fit your personality. Test mine, if you want, see how it goes. Weather you have a humor, or an interesting, rare hobby – insert it in the description!
Again, do not stop asking yourself questions – what does this description say about me? How will the girl react? Is she supposed to laugh, or be impressed, or want to know more about it? The description’s role is to be a step to ACTION from the girl (swipe right, or message you directly). It is not just be there, because you must fill it. Pick something that drives another action after.
You can even test something I’ve planned to test, but haven’t so far – a question in the description. If it is interesting enough, I assume a lot girl attention. Try it and tell me how it worked for you in the comments below.
4. How To Start A Conversation In Online Dating
OK if you are this point, you already have matches – meaning you have successfully passed the previous steps. Sadly, now comes the hard part – chatting with the girl. But don’t worry, I got you covered!
Even if she Liked you, this is FAR from done! Yes, she finds you attractive, yes you probably impressed her with the awesome description you wrote, but this is something you had time to prepare, test, probably saw how to do in some internet blog article for online dating tips for men (who writes those things…),
now you have to DEFEND and IMPROVE this impression she has of you – by talking to her.
For me, having a conversation, wheather face-to-face or online, is a whole science. Cannot be explained with a 5 step formula.
I happen to be a good psychologist and have a long year experience in personal sales. We have been coached on sales techniques, cold contacts, body language, sale conversations, negotiation etc., which are aimed for business, but ALL the principles are applicable for any social conversation. Online chat is NOT an exception.
I have been selling very expensive professional printing machines to people that do not know me, or my company, and most of the time do not have the need yet to buy them. So I had to set up cold meetings with company directors, introduce myself and convince them, not only, that they need such a machine, but also that they have to buy it from me, regardless that our product was not the best, nor the cheapest.
This is so close to chatting with someone new! A lot of the hidden techniques are the same as talking to a new person, or going to a job interview!
I have found, by thousands of first meeting with new people (selling the printers), that 2 conversation starters work best, and since they worked so well with selling things, I brought them to my online dating game. These are:
Every girl (and guys as well) want to feel attractive, to impress, to receive compliments! This is why complimenting still is a powerful technique in talking to new people. Firstly I will tell you why this IS NOT my favorite choice to start with. Compliments need to be GENUINE, SINCERE, and (this is very important – the “and”) UNIQUE.
You see a girl with beautiful eyes and you compliment on them – “hey, you have very beautiful eyes!”. Is it genuine? – it is. But is it unique?
Can you imagine how many times per day she hears this? Girls tend to have sometimes hundreds of messages per day, maybe 10% of them read a guide saying they should compliment and they compliment on the first thing they see. But instead of standing from the crowd, they blend in the crowd…
…and the girl ignores their message!
This is where I want to be different. Instead of trying to compliment on the first, most obvious thing – read between the lines and find something that is not that obvious, but still genuine!
It doesn’t really need to be a characteristic of the girl herself – it could be her clothing, her room, the surroundings, something on the photo background, the photo itself, a pet she photoed, an interest she has, and many more.
ALWAYS before writing to a girl you should examine her online dating profile and try to figure out as many things about her, as you can. Use the question from before “what do I want this picture to say about me”, but reverse it – “What does she want to say about herself with this pic/description etc?”.
The moment you manage to answer this question, you have a ready opportunity to approach by complementing or make a funny joke on it (will dive in there in a min).
If there is NOTHING you can grab on – she has just 1 pic of herself, with no description and info – this is what we do. We can still go with the compliment on the eyes, but not like the others do it.
Don’t just say “hey, you have very beautiful eyes”. “Beautiful” is too general. And this is what 99% of the people would use. Break the rule – use another adjective that will catch her attention.
I had the similar case not long ago, a girl with very nice eyes. I had nothing else to choose from, so I went with them. But I didn’t just say “Hey, you have very beautiful eyes”, I changed it “Hey, how are you? Wow you have incredibly bright eyes!”. I do not say it’s perfect, but it does not have to be!
She responded right away “Hey. Bright? Is that a good thing? 🙂” – I used an adjective probably not many people had used to describe her eyes, so she wanted to know if this is good or not.
Then I added “Most of the people in our area are with dark eyes. Yours are different – different is good! I really like your eyes 🙂”
– Boom! Not only I told her I liked her eyes, but also WHY. She liked it and that broke the eyes (i meant the ice) and we started chatting, because I managed to stand out from the crowd, just a little, so I drove her attention and she dis not ignore me.
So do your work, research her profile and make your compliments genuine and unique!
Humor. This is my preferred opener. As I mentioned I use humor a lot. And I use bold humor. Not going to lie, a big portion of the people I start a chat with sometimes find it overwhelming at first. But that’s just who I am. If they can’t handle my humor, why would I even want to chat to them.
So opening with humor ALSO requires to check her profile and make a funny comment on something you find in there.
Works best in combination with pets. I mentioned girls like them, usually take crazy selfies with them. I love the ones with cats. Cats are…assholes! And when a girl takes a selfie with a cat, the cat is usually very grumpy. Than I say, “By the way she is looking at you, I think you cat is plotting your murder! 😀”
(by the way notice the emoticon. When you use humor, you can use them, to just make sure people know you are joking).
Humor openers usually have a good % of responses. You can use humor for anything, you can even go a little bold, as long as you are not offensive with your comment! Make her laugh! This is THE BEST WAY to drive her attention!
And guys, do not rely on 100% success! Crap, do not even hope for 50%! It is not easy to be creative on the internet. Do your best, if you get the reply – good. If you don’t – big deal! Match with as many girls as possible, write to as many girls as possible, until this gets a routine and you get better!
A LOT OF YOUR MESSAGES WILL BE UNANSWERED! Do not get disappointed, just move on, until you find your soulmate 🙂
If you do not get a response to the example above, about the cat, you can later add this “Hey, are you there? Oh no.. I was too late…this cat is merciless… 🙁“. You lose nothing, try another joke.
Opener 3) – the basic “Hello”.
Compliments and humor are the most successful, but if you can’t find anything to joke or compliment about, you can use the basic “Hello”, however, this must be your LAST RESORT – only used if nothing else can be applied.
You can use it, and still, if your online dating profile is set up correctly it will work, however we apply the “be creative” rule here as well. I’d suggest to not just write “Hello”. Decorate it, think of another way to say the same thing. I’d also suggest to not open with a simple “hello”, add a question. I usually prefer to use this with a 2 chain question opener. It goes like this:
- Me: Hey, how are you? 🙂 (friendly greet, a very typical question – so far nothing special)
- Girl: Hello, I`m fine, thank you. How about you? (a natural reply, still she is not impressed by me – everybody does this)
- Me: I`m good. So how did you spend your weekend? Was it interesting?
- Me: How are you handling Monday? (she may answer with 2 words, so you have to prepare a joke about your Monday)
- Me: What have you planned for the weekend? Going anywhere? (assuming its Friday)
Do you see my point? Do not ask Yes/No questions! Always try to ask open questions that will require her to WRITE, to think, to remember, to imagine and put it into writing.
THE MORE SHE WRITES, THE MORE HANDLES YOU HAVE TO GRAB ON and prolong the conversation. So only ask questions that require a longer than yes/no answer.
Then you go from topic to topic and lead the conversation in the way you want.
Opener 4) – pick up lines.
I’m typically not fond of these, since I prefer to use my own humor.
Also it is very hard to be sure the one that you chose to use is not overused already and it is cheesy.
There are big loads of such on the internet.
Try to pick anything that does not feel overused or it could be relevant to the particular girl (which you found out after studying her online dating profile).
Plus, using these sets up a conversation style that must be followed at least for some time, until you build a connection, since if you open with a study line and get boring, she will leave very fast.
I am going to write a solo topic only on having a conversation, because it is long and very important.
And ALWAYS, ALWAYS, with everything you write, try to say it differently! You have opened with the “Hello”, continue asking the right questions,
but AVOID MAKING IT SEEM LIKE A JOB INTERVIEW – Q&A.
When she writes something, make a comment on it, share your experience, dive into the subject and when you feel it is exhausted, only then move to something else.
Things to avoid
- DON’T SHOW DESPERATION! I cannot emphasize this enough, but guys, no matter how lonely, desperate, scared you feel you MUST NEVER, EVER show this! We are the strong gender (still) and you must be a confidence ninja! You have to be just 1 step below being an annoying narcissist. And do not mistake this with being vulgar, an asshole, or demanding in the conversation. I mean you must show her you are not desperate, you like yourself, yes – you like her, but she is NOT the only girl in the world and if she gives you crap, you will just stop talking with her. There are plenty of girls in the app, and as much as you need to impress her, she needs to impress you too! This kind of confidence you must demonstrate. Girls like strong guys (not just physically), who know their value and are confident about themselves. If you do not consider to be such a guy – FAKE IT! But the best way is just to find your own confidence and keep showing it. So never show desperation.
- Do not feel bad if a girl doesn’t answer you, or stops answering you. This happens all the time. Instead try to analyze what you did, or did not do for this to happen. Just move on to the next conversation and develop your conversation skills.
- Don’t be offensive, demanding, begging. You are both there to flirt, to communicate, but mostly to have fun! Rejection is part of the game. You will reject and get rejected. Do not take it personally and do not drop below your level with offences, even if some people deserve it, keep your cool and don`t forget why you are there.
- Don’t rely on 100% chance with every girl. Even if your game is on the Top Level, it is not possible to be liked and to be an appropriate company to everyone! Do and BE your best, than look for the girls that will appreciate it.
- Get your expectations right. Guys, if you are a 6, you cannot expect to hook up with 9`s. Let’s get real. Aim high, but not impossibly high. Or at least experiment until you find the right place.
As a conclusion let’s summarize
- Pick photos that are unique, tell a story and show you in your BEST. Always think what message each photo represents, don’t just put a photo if you think it is good.
- Come up (or copy) an interesting description that applies to you. Add the things that make you different and interesting. Use humour.
- Fill in as much profile information as possible.
- Make a good examination of the profile you matched with. Try to find things she is interested in, make her different, spot potential conversation starters and topics for a conversation. Each photo/element in a photo, sentence (even word) in her description could be used. Try to understand why she chose these photos/descriptions. What impression she wants to leave in the person, checking her online dating profile and use this later.
- Open with a compliment or humor about something you found in the previous step. But do it in a creative way – chose non common words, don’t compliment on the most obvious thing, or at least do it in a different way, so you can stand out and be noticed. The point of the opener is to make her want to know more about you and let you engage with the conversation. So be interesting.
- Make her talk! The conversation is a science, you must master it. But the basic is – the more she talks with you, the more she gets to know you, starts trusting you and wants to know more about you. The beginning is very important. This is where you build the initial trust and prove to her you are not the “next asshole”.
- Most importantly – HAVE FUN!
I really hope you enjoyed this article, as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Hope to have helped you achieve a better success with online dating, and if so – PLEASE share it, comment below, let me know what you think is useful, what is not, what your successful method is, or what do you want me provide further information on.
Go Bring Your Online Dating “A” Game!